Even with the saddest news, you find ways to move forward. Sometimes it takes longer than other times… We still have no words as we are both still stunned from the last cycle. Purely stunned. We were just so sure it had worked.
Anyways, the hard stays with you…not only did we have to go back to the real world, but we both knew had to start thinking about where we wanted to move forward with the process even though I still had no idea what I wanted, as I was still picking up the pieces from my broken heart. We know we are both still so young, and know we have a time to go back to this, but we know we will still always wonder, but what if it is next time that is the ONE? It was an EXTREMELY difficult time because not only did we receive bad news on the other end of the phone, but those were the last of our donor eggs. We were all out of eggs. We literally have to start from square 1 all over again. That is what broke my heart. Here I was thinking, we can not do this for awhile now. We just don’t have eggs to work with because my body doesn’t produce them because of stupid cancer. My heart was broken more than you can imagine. I am not the type of person to ask around to friends and family. I mean, how does one ask for somebody to commit themselves to a 2-4 week process and to give Pat and I a piece of them? To me, it is beyond asking for a favor. Of course this makes me so sad. I felt in a dead end with nothing but just resentment and anger towards myself. I just couldn’t even begin to start thinking about it because it would just make me cry. Even as strong as some people think I am, I knew I was hitting rock bottom and very expeditiously.
A couple days following our negative news, Pat and I were showered with messages of inspiration and hope. Even as sad and as low as we were, each message picked us up in a special way. We read each message with smiles and tears. However, there was one message in particular that was life-changing and touches my heart in a very special way. I was conversing with a friend from Pat’s hometown of Loveland. She has been following our story from the very beginning and even donated money to our Birdies for Babies golf outing last September to show her support for us. She has always been one of our biggest cheerleaders from very early on. Also, she has a very good idea of what we are going through as she began to explain to me that she was an egg donor before and was inspired by our story to donate to an anonymous loving infertile couple similar to Pat and I. She shared her story of how she donated to a couple in the past and enjoyed her experience. She was moved by the emotions involved. Her word that described it was “intense”. I thought it was a great word to depict the journey. I thought it was so kind that she wanted to share this story with me because we are a recipient couple of donor eggs and we understand it, but we only had enough eggs from our previous donor for two solid attempts at FCI. It was intriguing to hear a story from a donor’s perspective as I was very curious. She ended by saying, “Katie, if you would want some help, I would be more than happy to donate to you guys.” She said, “I don’t want any money from you, I just want to help you guys wherever I can.” I started crying instantly. I couldn’t believe somebody could be so selfless and generous without any second thought. Again, I find myself amazed by the extraordinary people we are meeting throughout this journey. Asdifficult as all of this is, the people I have met and those who have wanted to help us in such significant ways is just overwhelming. I was beyond touched by the offer, I couldn’t help but just cry. I think I was feeling a bit of every emotion. At that point we had no idea what we were going to do, but after this conversation, we knew where our journey was taking us. We know God hasn’t forgotten about us, he has been surrounding us with angels as constant reminders to stay strong and keep the faith. We know good things will come to us, we just do not know when.
We are now in the process of moving forward, but now we know we have an angel helping us along the way.