What an Early, Happy Surprise!

I did take 2.5 months off to freshen up my uterine receptors per CCRM's protocal and added acupuncture weekly.  CCRM did say this would work for me in their professional opinion.  I remember I was thinking, that's it!?  No different meds?  No tests?  Just a couple months to deprieve my body?  OK...so here I am, taking the same meds, same protocal, with a more of a fresh start with holistic treatments supplementing 2.5 months later. 

I walk into FCI and of course, think here we go again.  I have no idea what I am going to walk into each day, but I couldn't imagine it any other way.  Though my lining has caused some trouble before, I know that this time could be different.  This is where I belong.  This is the priority.  SO I say hello to my family (FCI staff) who work there, hear about their families and weekend plans....I sit in the waiting room reading the usual gossip magazine to distract my thoughts and to clear my mind going into the ultrasound room in hopes my lining is growing. 

I lay down and talk to Patty, the ultrasound tech with that hint of hope and optimism in my voice.  The camera goes in and she is staring at the monitor as I stare at the ceiling.  She says, "Do you want to know what your lining is at?"  (With the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face)  I said well, with that smile, YES!  She said we have a triple stripe at 7.5mm (which I couldn't get before and haven't seen since last Aug/Sept. during a mock cycle)  I was in utter awe!  I could not believe that I had the triple stripe!  CCRM mentioned that is essential to have with all cases and they do not perform transfers without it!  SO here I am, with a triple stripe AND 7.5mm - and still time to grow more!  Dr. Uhler is elated!  She said this can't be the same uterus as before...wow!!  Impressed is an understatement.  I am on cloud 9!  I am pretty sure I floated out of the office....I don't want to jinx it, but I am praying things continue in this direction....all good things are ahead!  I can just feel it! 

This could most definitely be the one! :)

The Science of Baby-Making

I am well on my way and loving life so far.  I am feeling fantastic, besides the first couple days I started my drugs.  The Viagra took me for quite a whirl.  I wasn’t expecting it…I should have seen it coming because I was on this drug before, but I think my mind-body was all over the place and I just felt yucky all the time and was immune to it.  How sad.  Now that I started fresh, with a renewed sense of what “normal” feels like, I can feel side effects more significantly.  Just for the record – Viagra causes BAD headaches and creates food aversions!  Being deprived from hormones for months, definitely hit my body hard the first couple days.  I felt a little woozy, but stronger than before!   Strange, I know.  I think my body loved it, but the Viagra definitely hit hard!  I am excited to see what exactly is going on in the baby-maker!  Haha Time will tell.

As I continue on this cycle, I have found so much comfort in my holistic approaches to treatment.  I feel it is getting me in the right mindset to tackle this beast of a process.  Not only is it helping by bringing my mind-body to an equilibrium, but aids in creating a successful body to work with on the medical side.  My previous shortcomings now are becoming less of a target as I felt before.  I have put less pressure on myself than before.  I have more faith in the process, God, and science. 

I have been doing acupuncture now for 2 months and it has changed me.  My stress has been minimized, something I was not expecting to the degree that is apparent…I sleep better, maintain healthier body functions, and have created a more cooperative body to work with for FCI.  I have also booked a massage with Cathy this Sunday at the River North location that is called, “Enhance the Blood” which I read at www.pullingdownthemoon.  This massage works on blood flow targeted to thickening of the uterine lining to prepare for pregnancy.  Being as how much I fell in love with acupuncture, I know I will not be disappointed with the massage.  They have created their own protocal of massages in a series.  Check it out!  It is called the FEM protocal.  http://www.pullingdownthemoon.com/massage.php 

Plus, it is in the perfect location for spending a nice little afternoon in the city with my hubby!  We love spending days in the city every chance we get!  I have heard wonderful things and am eager to give the massage a try!  Like I have said before, I am leaving no rock unturned on this cycle.  I want to go into my next transfer knowing everything was done to increase my chances for success!   Also, it’s not like you have to pull my arm for acupuncture or massage anyways.  ;-)

Pat and I were given our consent forms this week to complete and get notarized, yet another time.   Here we are faced with our major decisions for our upcoming procedure in the not-so-distant future.  It is becoming very real again.  I am excited, yet nervous…   Cautiously optimistic is the best way to put it into words.   

I am a new, recharged, rejuvenated Katie.  I am all-around in a better state to find success.  I feel this is the one!  :)

All Systems Are Go!

It is weird that when this day came, I thought I would feel the same as before.  I feel 100% different than the first time it came around.  Sure I feel excited, a little scared even.  But most of all - this calming optimism.  I am not sure if it is because this is not my first rodeo, or that I know my support system grows by the day, or even just that I am ready and relaxed – leaning on prayer and spiritual guidance, along with the wisdom every IVF patient soaks up through the tribulation.  My mindset is in a different place.  I believe my coping mechanisms have strengthened.  I have found better strategies and solutions to difficulties I experienced before.  Most of all, I am excited of course! 

Pat is excited as well.  He has put on his “injection hat” and is geared to go…Now that he does research in the lab at Rush for his Masters project, I feel I am his at-home science project based off our latest conversations.  Haha It is kind of humorous to hear our conversations.  If only you could be a fly on the wall...he likes to request all my lab results and have them at home to read and analyze.  I guess it is good practice for him!  ha

Blood level results and ultrasound looked great!  Shanon, my nurse, even commented that it is even a BETTER starting point and the little break we took did my body good so far!  Always good to hear coming from her…being that I trust her with my life.  Not much to update, but wanted to share everything is looking good!  Even the smallest of good news is always worth celebrating!  Something I have learned over the last several months. 

It is refreshing to have our dates all laid out!  So much to look forward to, but definitely taking it one week at a time...

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has an entire new meaning to me.  We do not celebrate just those who gave birth to us, but to those who devoted and sacrificed EVERYTHING from Day 1.  I woke up this morning somewhat sad thinking of, why me?  This day should've felt different to me at this point in our journey.  I was expecting to be celebrating as a mother to be.  However, that is not the case, rather just in spirit.  I quickly jumped out of my pity party and changed the direction...With these thoughts and reflecting on how much emotion, effort, etc we have put into our soon to be child really made me think of the mothers in my life.  I can now say...I get it.  Mothers would go to the end of the earth for their children.  I know first hand that I would do anything and everything for our children who have not even been conceived yet.  This WANT has made me stronger and, in a sense, invincible. There is nothing that will stop me.  I know all mothers are invincible when it comes to their children.  The love of a mother to a child is one of the strongest bonds of all.  Although, my bond is still in the early stage, and I have not even met my child, I can already sense it.  I am already a mother at heart at this stage.

My Mother

Of course being infertile brings on such varied emotions on this day, some expected, some not so much.  I even looked at the smile on my mom's face in a different way.  I know that genuine love that even the smallest of gatherings means the world to her.  Calling my mother-in-law and hearing about her mother's day and catching up is important.  Just the connection between moms and children are powerful.  I never saw the impact of this as much as I did today.  I have a new found respect for all mothers.  I can now relate to that irrational, inconveinient love that you have displayed to us since we could remember.  You have been wonderful examples to me.  You have taught me what it means to be a good mother.  It is this that I know will make me a great mom.  I just feel it in my heart and see it in my dreams.

A good friend of mine shared a poem with me that really hit home for some of the emotions I experienced today.  It is comforting in knowing I am not alone with feeling the emotions I experienced today.  Love you KOB! :)

“Happy Mother's Day”

It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,

and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!